The Problems with the Twin Flame Ideology

This is a piece that has been on my mind for a while to write.  It seems the idea of twin flames has gained more and more prominence in the consciousness of the spiritual masses over the years and while I do believe it is beautiful to see the collective expanse of thinking and understanding when it comes to love, relationships and partnerships, I also see some very dangerous trends and ideas.  This article lists those trends and how to wrap your mind around a concept as powerful as twin flames (and all its pitfalls).  I must admit that much of my perspective comes from a twin flame relationship that I experienced for six years and the lessons I learned in my personal experience along with observations of others who were also claiming the twin flame experience.  Brace yourself, this article may be triggering.

  1. Satiation of the Ego

The twin flame/soul idea seems to do a lot for those who are looking for an identity and a place to belong.  Many who are on the spiritual journey are simply those who never felt as if they belonged in the culture and community of their world around them.  As the world becomes shallower and more material-oriented, often these intuitive and deeply sensitive seekers find that they are often at odds with friends, family and people around them to the point of near social isolation.  They are overlooked and taken for granted most of their lives as others do not understand their differences nor the importance of those differences.  It is easy for someone who was not valued by others to grasp onto the concept of twin flames/souls to satiate their need to not only feel valued but to feel special and unique from others and their “karmic relationships”.  This is not to say the twin flame concept does not exist (to be fully honest, I am unsure about that at this point), this is only to say that it is convenient that this rare love happens to find so many people that it is now takes just a simple google search to find hundreds and hundreds of articles and videos (including this one and others on my site) about this “unique” and grand love.  Many will find it hard to admit that a lot of the appeal of the relationship is due to its specialness and the validation that they feel knowing that they have something others may only dream (or experience nightmares) of.

  1. Hierarchal Classification of Love

The previous point brings me to my next point: the hierarchal classification of love.  So, if there is a such thing as a grand love with a soul that was connected to yours since the beginning and origins of the universe, a love that surpasses all love that you will ever experience, this must mean that all the other loves you have experienced thus far are inferior.  The twin flame adherents try their best to get around this obvious fact by claiming that we have so many valuable soul mates to teach us about ourselves and that they are just as important but it seems that at the end of the day the expectation is that you will ascend high enough as an individual soul to one day, in this life or the next, join again with the origin of true and “real” unconditional love with the twin soul.  The other soul mates were simply “practice” for this moment.  The issue with this thinking is that anyone other than the twin soul is devalued and basically seen as a means to an end.  There is no living in and enjoying the moment with a love interest when you fully expect that one day this relationship will give way to a “higher” and more “unconditional” love.  This idea places love as a goal rather than an intrinsic experience to human life and when chasing a goal such as “love” there is a subtle feeling of persistent failure until the moment that you finally reach it.  Should love really be experienced this way?

  1. Justified Endurance of Misery

I have seen and heard so many justifications for staying in a twin flame relationship (including the ones where one person has cut off all contact whatsoever with the other twin) that was severely damaging the person on an emotional level that I began to question the REAL reasons for why a person would endure this much misery.  Make no mistake that I include myself in this observation (I have journal entries that literally make me cringe at reading them…).  I spent years trying to tell myself that all the pain, rejection, fear, discomfort was justified because of the deep and enduring love we shared.  I experienced a loneliness and isolation that I would not wish upon my worst enemy (and as a Scorpio rising… well you get my point!).  The pain was immense and now that I can be honest with myself, it was totally crushing me.  I still continued to see synchronicities on a daily basis (I still do) and that added to my misery and despair over the separation from my lover.  It was almost like the pain became just as sweet to me as our temporary moments of deep and passionate love.  It took for me to be hurt to my deepest core by his actions for me to finally turn my focus away from him and making sure we ended up “in union” by putting up with all manners of behaviors that I thought I never would and turn my focus back to me and what I really wanted for my life.  I learned that I did not want to waste the rest of my 30’s agonizing on a daily basis about when and how and why and where and whatnot about this relationship.  And while I speak on my own experience mostly, I have seen this over and over and over in people who are claiming the twin flame experience.  Years of seemingly never-ending misery just to say that you endured it to be in union one day.  I will say only this, to live your life in misery for even one day is a choice that you do not have to make for ANYONE.

  1. Feeling like you need this person more than you need yourself

It seems that once the twin flame ideology takes over you, suddenly this person becomes more valuable than yourself.  This is another point that many on the spiritual path will deny as the path spirituality is supposed to be about finding yourself but this is what the actions have shown me.  Once someone has taken up the twin flame mantle it seems that every conversation, every thought, every action, every intent is centered around the perceived actions of the other twin and the backdrop must always be “ending up in union” someday.  The idea of seeing someone else is nearly out of the question because that person can never possibly love as much as the twin flame.  Any choice that must be made in their lives must be considered in light of the twin flame relationship.  It is a level of cosmic codependency that cannot be found in others that do not have this kind of relationship.  Sure, most relationships suffer from one form of codependent behavior or another, most are not self-aware enough to avoid it, but I have found that the pure obsession over the thoughts, actions and intent of the other or “runner” twin soul is as overwhelming as a compromised dam surrounding an unassuming small town.  The town being a metaphor for your mind and the dam water as the thoughts and feelings of someone else that you have absolutely no power to directly control.  It seems that this thinking makes the person believe that they are operating as only a half (which is another point many will fervently deny) and must consider this twin flame in all decision making from the point of first realization of twin flame phenomenon.

  1. Compromising Values

In many of these relationships, due to the belief in the love and the twin concept itself, people will do and accept things that they never would in any other kind of relationship.  This is one of the more dangerous problems with this ideology.  Bluntly, I have seen much of a person’s personal moral code decimated in order to maintain this love.  Everyone should have standards to which others must engage and respect to set healthy boundaries for a truly healthy relationship with others.  For example, there are things you would not say or do around children because you understand that it would intrude on their age boundary and you know that exposing them to certain ideas and behaviors would ultimately hurt them and their personal development.  Boundaries are natural and healthy and ALL relationships must have them.  Your boundaries are also what protects your heart from abuse and damage that may affect your ability to have healthy relationships with others in the future.  I have found that many twin flame/soul relationships lack an adherence to the individuals’ personal boundaries.  And most times it has less to do with the other intentionally intruding on your boundaries, it has more to do with you intruding on your own!  Harmful words and behaviors from the twin are tolerated when you would have never allowed others to say or do the same thing to you before.  It may feel that this is coming from a place of deep love for them but it is really coming from a place of deep inadequacy and insecurity in yourself where you feel you must submit to any kind of action in order to be rewarded with “true love”.  This may be okay for a few instances but over years time, you will find yourself withering away as your boundaries have been eroded and you have nothing solid about yourself to cling to as you have given it all away.  It is like looking at your life after a tornado or hurricane has blown everything around and you wonder if it was truly worth it to give up so much of yourself to garner a love that you never seem to end up with no matter how hard you try.  At some point, you will have to redefine your values and decide that if this person (for whatever reason) cannot live up to them, they do not need to exist in your life any further.  End of story.

  1. Lack of true and devoted Self love

The previous point leads to this one.  Oftentimes I have found (and discovered in myself) that what is allegedly a twin flame relationship is truly a mirror for just how needy and codependent many of us actually are.  It is not our fault.  Many of us were emotionally neglected in our formative years.  Always seeking a love from others, from our caregivers, that was always elusive to us.  We repressed many of those memories and experiences only to find ourselves in the exact same situation as adults.  I have found that almost everyone I have personally encountered claiming a twin flame experience was overwhelmingly lacking in devoted self-love and care.  It is so much easier to project that lack outwards onto someone else who will finally fulfill all the needs for love that you have had your entire life.  These people never learned the value of caring for themselves since more than likely they were treated as if caring for and loving them was a burden rather than an honor.  The lack of boundaries, the codependent need for acceptance, the egotistical need to feel special are all masks for a deeply intrinsic lack of self-love and value.  Many will become hip to the idea that the twin flame experience is meant to point them toward loving themselves but instead of actually learning how and going about doing that, they begin to treat it as a way to “trick” the Universe into granting them union with the twin by going through the motions of what they believe self-love is.  Only you will know when you have reached that point of true self-love and appreciation.  I will give you a clue though: you will no longer care if you end up the twin flame or with anyone at all for that matter, you will KNOW that you, alone, are enough and the idea of your own company brings you pleasure rather than fear or despair.  Despite everything I am thankful to my twin soul for inadvertently showing me that.  It is a love so valuable and so rare that it made me realize what this twin soul thing was really all about.  I don’t care if that man was my twin or not.  It truly does not matter.  I only care that at this moment, I am writing again and the beautiful sun is shining on my face through my window.  That is all that matters right now.

Peace.  Shalom.  Ashe.

One thought on “The Problems with the Twin Flame Ideology

  1. Hello Asha Asteria,
    with pleasure I comment on your honest aticle about twin flames.
    I agree with many things that you write. But…we are all looking for a place to belong.
    We need food, shelter, clean air, clean water, and…love. Yes, spiritual people never fit in so easily, but they also do fall in love, get married, have children. We are all looking for love. We all experience human love.
    The love we find is often not true love, and you have to agree with that after meeting your twin, where everything fits with ease, and it feels like coming home.
    There is no mistaking how special this love is, and calling it twin flame love is a very descriptive name.
    As humans we do not know what unconditional love is. You can love your children very much, but even that is not unconditional. A far better term is to call it higher love, as you also use.
    But then…this love (indeed, is it love?) turns to separation and pain, and very seldom to physical union (apart from maybe a short time).
    Then we talk about runner and chaser, and yes, often we do not have enough self love to enter such a ‘higher love’ relationship. But what is this fear? And to be honest, it often is a ‘not believing that this can be true’. What we do here is rejecting a love that comes from the universe, source, or simply God. We meet our true beloved….and walk away.

    For such behaviour there is in fact no excuse that is in accordance with our believe with the universe, source or God. It is simply failing. You are supposed to be together to bring new love for a new world, and we flee in doing healing…and this is -as you write – where all the lies start. We are all experts in finding excuses. And many ‘twin flame experts’ support this, unfortunately.
    No one can walk away from a love that comes from God, right?
    In short: the name twin flame is just that : a name to descibe a unique love. It should not be thrown out. Personally I am convinced that twin flames are suppose to be together, join their energies together, and work together, even to the exclusion of other relationships, although it does not necessaily have to be in a living together relationship.

    The pain starts when one or both of the partners not accepts this love for what it is.
    …in fact..betrays a love that comes from God…that is quite a wound to add to the list. Then we indeed have no choice to let go, and get on with our life, and say to ourselves that we are thankful of having learned a lesson. Our hearts know that it is much bigger then that.

    A bit of personal detail: I had my share of love and marriage, and have three children. I have always been spiritual, and lived alone for longer periods of time, finding Beauty in nature and in work. I met my twin flame when she moved here with her daughter looking for a simpler life in nature. I did fully open up my world to her, but she shied away from responsibility and then back to her rich husband and a life of freedom and friends. She knows she is a twin, but decided not to live it in this lifetime…too difficult.

    For me….lesson learned, but what lesson? Yes, then we need boundaries, to let go, detachment, and pick up our own life. I am back to working in nature and growing vegetables, and seeing Beauty…alone. She is still my neighbor. It did intensify the experience quite a bit.
    No, I did not need her more than I need myself; it would have been good and wonderful to be together.
    Maybe what I write gives you a bit more insight in the phenomena of twin flames. We all help each other to understand.
    Can we ever be honest enough when it hurts so much? Yes, we have to live the truth!


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