It is very hard to accept people being there for me. It is very hard to accept help and love from others. It is the area that I am most likely to do the most self-sabotaging damage. I am really starting to see that. I have always been someone who never minded being there for others or helping others. I used to think it was because I am a big-hearted or compassionate person and to an extent that is true. But the real truth is that to help others, I can be in control. I don’t have to be the recipient. I don’t have to be passive.
My mother taught me to loathe pity and turn down all help from others. Even if I was hungry, I was never to ask for food from my friend’s parents. Everything I did was some reflection of her and her ability to provide and as a Leo, she had so much pride and with an Aries Moon, she had so much ego. I learned to rely on only her for anything and never ask anyone else. I also learned to show emotions and vulnerability was a weakness. I had to hide everything I was feeling, everything I needed. Everything. And now almost 8 years ago, she is dead. Both of my parents. I’m not even 40 yet and I feel so very alone. I feel trapped like I cannot ask for help and I cannot accept any help either. I close myself off and become more and more of a recluse. My dad was the main recluse. He was reserved like me. He died alone and was found days later.
I look back now and see that everyone who has tried to help or be there for me, I have pushed away and shut out. That is the mildest form of what I’ve done. To some I just hurt them outright, betrayed them in some way so they would never think to be there for me again. It is really unbelievable when you look back at some actions and realize what you have done. What you did not realize you were doing at the time but what has become so clear. Usually I feel overwhelming guilt about it.
Lately though, I feel called to understand it so I can heal. The reason is because despite my past failed relationships and friendships, more people are coming into my life who seem to have this unexplained desire to help me, to be there for me without there being any real reason. It’s like the Universe is providing me chances to see that it is okay to let others help you. It is okay to let others in. I don’t need to feel threatened, weak or afraid of allowing others to see that I am not always strong.
I put on the best brave face anyone has ever seen. Not many would know the extent of what is going on inside of me. I smile, joke, laugh, listen to others, help others, dance and everything in the world that would indicate pure happiness and contentment. Few know that beneath all of that, there is a darkness. Such a lonely darkness that I literally have to fight through almost daily. My mental health is not the best a lot times. I have moments of happiness, moments of contentment but I am constantly fighting off a darkness that makes me so exhausted. Seriously exhausted.
My North Node is in Cancer so I have known that emotional vulnerability is my lesson and to get away from subtle control manipulations for power and authority. I am so used to operating in the latter that I barely notice it when I do. My Scorpio rising helps with that ensuring that everything is done with a calculated strategy. All of that is tiring as well. I am seeing the Cancer North Node more clearly. It is not just about accepting help from others or crying out and letting everyone see my pain and letting them “mother” me but it has more to do with allowing myself to form those close bonds with people to where them helping me is not a drawback for either of us. They care and love me enough to do it and I love and appreciate them for doing it. I am humble enough to accept it in gratitude rather than letting it be an affront to my ego and how I view myself. It does not make me weak to let others help me. And since Cancer is a Cardinal sign, which does have its own level of control and power, I allow that help to motivate me to become stronger in helping myself when I am down. Like the Chariot tarot card, I can still set my goals and accomplish them.
My mother’s lessons to me were innocent but insidious. I learned to never depend on anyone else but her. She needed my dependence to secure her identity. She needed me to always need her and no one else, not even myself. She actively stood in the way of anything I ever did that would provide me my own sense of self, worth, value and advancement (with the exception of the things that made her look good to others). She would quit sports teams for me. She would quit jobs for me. She ignored anything that was a personal interest to me. Most of this was because she had other plans that she felt were more important so there was nothing I was doing for me that was important enough to forego her personal plans. I learned that the sun set and rose around her and anything concerning me was secondary at best, if it ever ranked on her list at all.
I treat myself like that to this day. Everyone’s life is above mine. It’s like I exist solely to make other people comfortable and to aid in their advancement with the understanding that I should not accept them doing it for me. Oh, I can accept it for awhile but then this strange guilt, helplessness and a strong need for egotistical self-assertion takes over and I have to reject everything they are doing and to eventually reject them if they persist to try and help me. These are the ways I have done relationships with others. Dependence/Self-assertion. I feel like I am stuck in a adolescent’s place emotionally.
The key is balance. Now I must discover the balance. And I feel the change coming because though I have always had these thoughts somewhere in my mind, I have never been able to put it all together in this way. Which means that I understand it now and in understanding, there is a first step toward deliverance. It is okay to allow others to love and help me. I am not weak or incapable for doing so. I think this will be my new mantra for awhile.